“Why would you want to write about depressing things like that? No one is going to read it”- quote from a friend who I pitched my blog to.
My very first post was pretty much straight in there. It felt really good to actually put that out there to the world, being able to be open and honest about my experience and say the words aloud “ my mum died when I was 24 weeks pregnant”. I know it can be hard reading something such as my first post, the world is full of awful things happening to people and sometimes you get bogged down with it all you want to read something happy and fun. I get that. But at some point, something will happen in your life that is all consuming and you will search for anything that helps ease the pain. Although I want to share my experience of losing my mum and coping with the grief, I also want to share my experiences of being a mum without mum ,so not every post will be as heavy as my first one I promise.
There is one overarching reason why I started this blog which I go into in a minute, but before that there is another reason why I started this blog. My mum was a massive part of my life and her passing has taught me that LIFE IS TOO SHORT. I have always loved writing but I’ve never had the confidence to share anything I’ve ever written. I’m very self critical and a bit of a perfectionist so everything I’ve ever written I’ve hidden because I’ve never felt it’s good enough. As my friend so kindly said to me, which I quoted at the top of this post, no one will want to read what I write. So I never did, until now, until life shook me up and made me see things differently. I write for me and because I enjoy it. I write because I loved my mum and I’m not ashamed of my grief or the fact that I miss my mum. I write because I love how you can write one sentence and not know where that sentence will take you.
One thing I do want to say is I’m nothing if not honest. I don’t believe in sugar coating things and I will say it how it is. I also want to say that everything I write will be true, nothing will be fabricated and it will all be real and how I’m living it. I’m not here for story telling and here’s why.
When my mum died I spent a large amount of time on my own, I was pregnant and whilst the support from family and friends was amazing everyone goes back to their lives eventually. So it was just me, my puppy and my bump everyday and I can honestly say I have never felt loneliness like it at a time when I probably should have been least lonely because I had a human being growing inside me! I mean how close can you get! Anyway I turned to the internet looking for others who had lost their mums and we’re going through the same thing that I was. Somehow knowing that I wasn’t the only one was comforting in a way and I wanted some sort of guidance on how to get through the pain. I was to be disillusioned because although there was and is an abundance of material, quotes, poems and accounts of grieving for a mum on all internet platforms, not one gave me any comfort because they didn’t resonate with what I was going through. The pages and support where either tailored for young people and children who had lost their mums-not me- or were accounts from older women who had lost their elderly mums-again not .There was a large amount of material on those who had suffered terribly and for a long time before their death-not my mum, it was sudden and oh so unexpected. There were accounts of people who had lost their mums but many years before they had children or many years after they had children. I could not find anything or anyone who had experienced what I had and that made me feel even lonelier. Surely I’m not the only woman in the world who has lost their mum whilst being pregnant?
So here I am writing about my experience in the hope that someone who has, may be or may in the future, experience what I did and will find this blog and feel a little less lonely.
Here I am writing for anyone who has ever lost the very anchor to their being and is looking for someone who understands what they’re going through.
Here I am writing for those who need to know that there is someone right here right now living it with you.
Here I am x